Sibling rivalry is prevalent in households with more than one child, and parents everywhere are relieved to hear that the behaviour is normal, healthy, and necessary. According to experts, sibling rivalry can foster emotional intelligence and improve social skills, as well as teach youngsters complicated lessons about communication, problem-solving, impulse control, and conflict resolution. Furthermore, sibling fights can be beneficial in terms of preparing youngsters for relationships and driving them to pursue their own interests. “The more youngsters upset one another, the more they learn about self-regulation and how to influence the emotions of others. I don’t want to be the woman who says it’s okay for your children to quarrel, but parents may find solace in the fact that when their children fight, they gain vital life skills that they will apply outside of the home,” enunciates Dr. Pooja Reddy, Ph.D., clinical psychologist.
Most siblings experience jealousy, competition, and a desire for parental acceptance and connection, which can lead to squabbles and squabbling. However, other factors may influence how frequently and severely children argue. This includes:
Progressing social-emotional development
Toddlers lack the vocabulary and neurological development to express their wants and demands quietly, resulting in greater tantrums, complaining, yelling, and striking, particularly towards their siblings closest to them. Older youngsters are still developing their regulating skills. In the heat of their emotions, they may lash out impulsively, misinterpret frustration or anxiety for rage, and struggle to perceive a different point of view, escalating sibling rivalries.
Birth order
Birth order influences a child’s personality, temperament, and function in the home setting. Here are a few ways birth order can influence sibling rivalry:
Siblings closer in age may argue more frequently than those further apart. When a new sibling is born, first-born youngsters frequently experience a shift in their family’s focus. This might result in feelings of inferiority, jealousy, and more. Middle-born children may believe that they do not have the same privileges or attention as older or younger children and may respond in ways to feel more secure. Because their siblings have already learned how to walk, talk, ride a bike, or toss a ball, last-born youngsters may adopt a “nothing I do matters” mentality, fueling comparison.
Gender
Children of the same gender may have similar interests, but they are also more inclined to compete with one another.
Role models
Children frequently mimic the behaviours that they observe in their parents. So, if you and your partner resolve arguments by shutting down, calling names, or slamming doors, your children will develop pathways for the same behaviours during their own problems. If you demonstrate how to respectfully dispute and reach a solution, your children are likely to follow suit.
So, did you wonder what to do as a parent when your kids fight? Dr. Preeti Srivastava, a child and parent psychologist, shares, “Avoid getting involved when children dispute. Take action only if there is a risk of physical injury. If you always intervene, you risk causing more difficulties. The youngsters may begin to expect your assistance and wait for you to come to their aid rather than learning to solve difficulties on their own. Even if you don’t intend to, you may give the impression to one child that another is constantly being “protected,” which may exacerbate their resentment. And “rescued” children may believe that they can get away with more because they are always being “saved” by a parent. If you’re disturbed by the profanity used or name-calling, it’s OK to “coach” them through what they’re feeling by using suitable phrases. This differs from interfering or stepping in to separate the children. Even then, urge them to handle the situation themselves. If you do step in, try to resolve issues with your children rather than for them.”
How parents respond to their children’s disagreements can either calm or escalate the situation, much like adding water or gasoline to a fire.
Here are some common things parents do to fan the flame:
Rescue
When parents repeatedly intervene in their children’s arguments, children lose emphasis on problem-solving and tend to rely more on being “saved” by the parent. When parents keep out of low-level arguments, children have the opportunity to think for themselves and develop skills such as conflict resolution, communication, and more.
Choose sides
Choosing sides misses the truth that it takes two to tango (or dispute). When we label one child as “right” and another as “wrong,” we invalidate one youngster’s feelings and perspective. This may result in anger towards one another and the parent. Instead, put your children in the same boat and work on skill development.
Compare and label
When we refer to one of our children as the “athletic one,” the “smart one,” the “wild child,” or the “sweet one,” we are unknowingly comparing them. For example, if one child is referred to as “the smart one,” their sister may interpret this as meaning they must be the “less smart one.” This might lead to feelings of resentment, insecurity, and inadequateness. When we remove the labels and comparisons and instead laud effort and characteristics such as perseverance, tenacity, and teamwork, we allow our children to be truly themselves without fighting for parental favour.
Parents can use the following tools to help diffuse the flame:
Provide personalised genuine encounter moments
Find tiny ways to connect with each of your children in ways that are specific to their love language. This makes your children feel seen and heard, independent from their siblings, and allows you to participate in their world. When children feel safe and connected, they are more responsive and less reactive.
Hold weekly family meetings
Use this time to bond with your family. Whether you’re watching a movie, going on a walk, or cooking together, this creates a quiet environment in which your children can spend time together and bond. These meetings can also help lay the groundwork for family agreements and limits, as well as provide a safe space for all family members to express their feelings and actively listen to one another.
Practice self-control
To gain more influence as a parent amid sibling rivalry, pay attention to your energy levels during your children’s arguments. Are you calm and able to coach? Are you triggered and want to take control of the situation? Are you more invested in the outcome than your children? It is not only beneficial to teach about emotions through play during non-contentious periods but also to model emotional regulation during charged occasions.
The Four Colours of Sibling Rivalry and
Parental Guidelines
Green Light Fight (Bickering or Light Confrontation) Remain detached. Model that you are the guide by the side, not the judge and jury, so they will stop looking externally during disagreements and learn to sort things out.
Yellow light fight (escalating loudness, minimal physical contact): Monitor, acknowledge anger, and mirror each child’s words. “I saw two kids arguing about the television. Let me hear from both of you about what’s going on. Listen and demonstrate faith in their capacity to resolve the matter.”
Orange light fight (more serious): Establish boundaries. Determine whether their fighting is genuine or staged, and take a break to go over family agreements and assist with dispute resolution.
Red light fight (escalating to mental and physical harm): Strictly stop and resolve the issue. Describe what you see without passing judgement, and separate as needed. “I saw two boys bickering for the remote. Let’s take a break before we continue.” If one kid is injured, tend to them first, and then assist both children in getting into their bodies by taking a time-in to absorb the incident jointly or separately.
