In Focus: Live-in relationship-Partners make or break it

Recently one of India’s most bizarre and gut-wrenching murders came to light months after the incident took place. A young woman named Shraddha Walker was strangled to death by her live-in partner Aftab Poonawalla. The couple, who had connected via dating app Bumble, began their relationship in 2019. Aftab had cut Shraddha’s body into thirty five pieces and stored them in a refrigerator before disposing of the parts in a forest region over 16 days. During an interrogation, Aftab credited the American TV show Dexter for his decision to chop Shraddha’s body into several pieces.

While the Court is seized of questions such as whether Aftab killed her in the ‘heat of the moment’ or it was a ‘premeditated, cold-blooded murder’; right-wing activists have started highlighting the ‘love jihad’ angle in it. Amidst all this, live-in relationships have come under the spotlight again as if the relationship form, gaining wide acceptance among the younger generation today, engenders such crime.The Pioneer’s AMARTYA SMARAN gives the lowdown on whether live-in relationships per se trigger violent crimes of the type that dwarfs domestic abuse in both love and arranged marriages.

Following rape-murder cases, insensitive people point fingers at women. A Union Minister pontificated recently that educated girls shouldnot get into live-in relationships (educated boys excluded?). A netizen went on to say, “So, a 25-year-old, financially independent woman can ask her parent to eff off, but can’t leave an abusive boyfriend, despite being tortured byhim to such an extent that she had to be hospitalised? Is the ‘mahlyfmahrulezz’ attitude meant only for loving parents, while abusive bf gets a free pass?” Such comments normalize the related murders.

Many people in India still think live-in relationship is a crime. While some see in a live-in relationship total disdain for traditional values, others open to or part of such an arrangement considerit to be the in thing in a world that is slowly but surely learning to shed patriarchal mindsets.

Preeti Kolluri, a High Court lawyer, shares: “There is no law expressly barring live-in relationships. The Supreme Court has held that living together is protected under Article 21 of the Constitution (right to life and personal liberty) and can’t be considered illegal (even if some sections of society may view it as immoral). As there is no law barring live-in relationships, couples in such relationships are not committing any crimes by living together. However, a live-in relationship is not treated on par with marriage and does not give any spousal benefits to the couple under the law. One notable exception is the protection of the rights of women. If women face any violence in a live-in relationship, the Supreme Court has held that certain live-in relationships will be treated as domestic relationships under the Domestic Violence Act(which offers heightened protections to women),” commented Preeti Kolluri.

The Pioneer reached out to youngsters to find out what they think about live-in relationships and their implications from the standpoint of an as-yet largely conservative society.

“In my opinion, every individual is entitled to live their adult life the way he/she wishes to! If they get into a relationship and both are equally okay to stay in a live-in then they should. Our society is already pushing us back on a lot of things. At least a few of us are rising above the curve of stereotypes and unlearning various methods that are treated almost as a sin. I support whoever is trying to unlearn the old methods and live their life in a better way. Every choice has a good and bad side, it depends on how much you want the choice and how much you’re willing to fight for it to be on the right side of it,” observes Vaishnavi Alwal, a senior associate at Google Operations Center.

Speaking in support of live-in relationships, Srish Boddula, an IT employee, remarks: “You get to spend a lot of time together when you live together. A stronger bond results from more time spent together. As a result, you learn a lot about their daily routine, habits, expectations, and peculiarities. One would be able to tell if you can manage all their habits and behaviors in this way. It ultimately results in a decision about whether to stay together or separate. If you feel that your relationship is not working out, you are free to end it whenever you want without having to deal with any legal complications, the shame of being a divorcee, or the involvement of your in-laws. In a manner, live-in relationships assist you in determining whether your relationship is prepared for marriage. Before being married to a stranger, I think everyone should consider doing this.”

Oliveti Vaishnavi, a young Journalism student from the city, says: “Live-in relationship is one of the few societal facts which is viewed as taboo in the perspective of a patriarchal society. Some consider it progressive; others consider it a sin. It is considered among the couple to know their compatibility and stability in a relationship, to put to test how they handle living together, and helping each other when needed to succeed in their goals and life. The societal view of it is quite opposite. It’s more about being open-minded and learning about individuals respectfully to avoid ‘separation’ and ‘Emotional trauma’.

For some individuals, the thought or decision to be in a live-in relationship comes quickly, for others it depends on other aspects to even think of this thought. It does have its positive and negative aspects. But it can work successfully when the individual who decides to co-exist under a roof has a complete idea of each other’s personal background and past, to be able to work on each other. Parents might not appreciate the efforts of this concept, but they can truly understand why they are land up on this decision.”

There is no measure for violence, any act that threatens your physical or mental being and therefore causes harm is indeed considered to be violent. Let’s look at what one can do to protect themselves by taking the right action. “From a legal perspective, if women are in danger of physical or mental abuse from partners, they should seek immediate help from law enforcement…

To help build a case against a partner, it would help to document evidence of abuse (through photos, video, or medical reports), and file a formal criminal complaint. The victim should file a criminal complaint and approach the police. Apart from general offenses under the Indian Penal Code for assault or battery, the victim can also avail of protections under the Domestic Violence Act, 2005 in some situations,” details the young lawyer.

‘Trial by media’ is a phrase that came into prominence in the early 21st century. With the advent of social media, people have come to make their own peculiar judgments about the accused prior to the courts passing judgment.To cite a few examples, we have seen this trend with the sudden demise of Bollywood actor Sushant Sing Rajput, the feud between the couple Karan Mehra and Nisha Rawal, and the high-profile Johnny Depp and Amber Heard case. Is it because people don’t believe in the court of law or are they just passing judgment as a pastime activity?

Sharing her views on the razzmatazz of social media trials, Preeti opines: “We should be cautious of determining the guilt of individuals, especially in criminal cases. These cases often involve complex facts and evidence that police carefully put together. Quick opinions formed online often work to the detriment of innocent persons in Court. I think one fundamental principle taught to all lawyers is that people are innocent until proven guilty.

The justice system is built with many checks and safeguards, as it is more important to stop innocent people from getting punished for the wrong offense (than quickly punishing many guilty ones). Another issue to think about is that we are all focused on a retributive justice system — a tit-for-tat idea, one life for another. Studies have shown that these retributive systems aren’t the most effective forms of punishment, or to fix what’s wrong in our society. We should all maybe think more about what other ways are to deal with crime, than wanting quick-fix Telugu movie style revenge answers to our problems.”

As per reports, at least once in their lifetime, around 736 million women fall prey to intimate partner violence or non-partner sexual violence, or both. According to the National Family Health Survey-5, 24.2% (urban) and 31.6% (rural) of the women between the ages of 18-49 have experienced spousal violence. In India, one in every three women is a survivor of intimate partner violence. Domestic violence by a current or former spouse or partner in an intimate relationship against the other spouse or partner is known as intimate partner violence.

Psychologist Kavita Panyam of Mind Suggest Wellness Center helps us understand why it is extremely difficult for some people to come out of an abusive relationship. She lays emphasis on attachment styles and how they impact an individual’s behaviour in the long run. “One should be able to understand the attachment styles and the four response patterns: fight, flight, freeze, and fawn. One should know who they’re dealing with. For example, if they are caught up with a narcissist, they should be able to spot them.

This can happen only when one is focused on a relationship. Usually, people are in love with the version of the person whom they think is right for them as compared to who the person actually is. In most cases, if it is not a secure attachment style and the other three are insecure, then you would be in love with the version of the person that is in your mind. This means you’d be ignoring all the red flags and be with the idealistic version of your partner, which is not the reality. One should let go of the imagination that they have created and look at the person for who they are so that it becomes easy to spot some of the red flags. Anyone who is trying to take things quickly in a relationship is not healthy.

Wait for the relationship to unfold naturally and don’t be in a rush to have sex, plan your future and all of it if you’re not sure of their value system. The value system is more important than anything else. When you look at the value system, their attachment style, and how they regulate themselves, do they get angry very quickly? You need to look into all these things. When you know that you are in a violent relationship, it is all the more important to leave without creating much noise. You should take care that you need to move out smartly with a lot of planning.”

Diving deep into the topic, the expert further explains: “There is something called repetition compulsion. If one is a co-dependent or a people pleaser who always wants to make people happy or someone who struggles with low self-esteem, they might feel having a partner can make them feel a lot better. Even if the partner isn’t good for them, they go by the policy of something is better than nothing. People with an ambivalent attachment style are already used to the emotional highs and lows, manipulation, violence, etc. When the brain is accustomed to something like this, they are constantly on the lookout for people who are toxic, rude, and avoidant. All this seems attractive because all the chasing and pleasing is what the brain craves. Without that, they might find their life to be dull and uninteresting. It is important to identify this and be aware of some of these patterns and make an effort to rebuild one’s life.

A very important reason why people don’t leave abusive relationships is that they try to understand the abuser. Empathising with the abuser and trying to normalise the abuse and telling themselves that he/she has no other option but to be violent is a common pattern among people who struggle to come out of abusive relationships. One will never be able to identify the abuser until and unless they start acknowledging the abuse. Therefore, putting the abuser on a pedestal and romanticising them hoping for a better tomorrow is not going to help.”

Having seen multiple accounts of these cases, Kavita Panyam made it her mission to transform co-dependents. She urges people to not confuse love with abuse, pain, sadness, and heartbreak. “Love is just an emotion; it is the relationship that causes the pain and the rest of it. The notion that you hurt people whom you love and show you their real self is a fallacy. The women are coached right from the beginning to tolerate abuse. He shows his real self to me, so I get the real him or only see the good in people; things like this disable people from coming out of abusive relationships. Looking at the situation the way it is and coming out of one’s imagination is the only way out. Mostly only codependents tolerate abuse and stay in relationships because they are in love with the idea of love.

If someone is love-starved and a psychopath comes along and offers a crumb, the codependent will only see this but not the person for who he/she is. Fearing heartbreak, people carry on with tolerating abuse, but isn’t their heart already broken?” asks the codependency recovery coach.

Avanthika Reddy, a young content creator, points out how difficult it is for people to walk out of toxic relationships. “Toxic relationships can’t easily be seen from the outside. It takes immense courage and strength to walk away from it. Being a woman, I understand how easily one is told, “you should’ve tried harder, he’s a man, he makes mistakes, he lies, forgive, forget and move on. Even if your partner gets abusive physically and hits you, you are asked to forgive him because you are the only person he could vent his anger on.

Why have people made toxic relationships so normal? Mentally abusive relationships can’t be seen on the outside. The manipulation and gaslighting can only be felt by the one in it.

Abusive relationships take a toll on you. I’m not here to support splitting up. Every relationship needs adjusting, compromising, and understanding but not when it comes to your self-respect and safety.Once your self-respect or safety is damaged, it’s no longer a relationship it’s just violence in a subtle form. Walking out of a toxic relationship is one of the hardest things ever. You are standing between waiting for the person to change or giving up finally. It’s a never-ending process until you make up your mind. Even after you walk away, the man is blamed that he couldn’t man up, and the woman is blamed because she couldn’t tolerate it. A relationship is healthy when you work on yourself to make things better for you and your partner.There must be equal understanding, adjusting, and compromising. If there isn’t mutual understanding, the relationship won’t last long.When someone shares their abusive relationship story, don’t just tell them time will heal. Try understanding the situation and be of help.”

Going by Avanthika has shared, there is a dire need for people to understand and empathise with the one in need. It is definitely not easy for a person in an abusive relationship to walk out of it. Helping them understand the severity of the situation is the least one can do.

As psychologist Kavita Panyam says, being aware of some of the attachment styles can give us a deep insight into who we are dealing with. All told, one can think about why we are so obsessed with the idea of being in love rather than loving the person. Let’s move on from a mindset that proclaims, “I hurt the people whom I love” to one that agreeably says: “I raise the quality of the people whom I am in love with”.