Recently, the Mumbai High Court observed that refusing a divorced woman permission to adopt a child on the grounds that she is working and hence would not be able to attend to the child’s needs reflects a “mindset of mediaeval conservative concepts”. The observation was made during hearing of a petition made by a 47-year-old woman who had expressed her wish to adopt her four-year-old niece. Underlying the Court’s profound observation is a larger issue that is plaguing society. The notion of parenthood has evolved with time owing to socio-cultural shifts. In the light of the judgement of the Mumbai High Court, Tanisha Saxena spoke to child psychologists, professors, lawyers and others from different walks of life to understand the dynamics of single parenting and specifically a single mother.
Say ‘family’ and one would immediately conjure up a picture of a cute family tree with a set of parents and their child or children. Sometimes, there are grandparents too. All families may be constituted in this manner; yet, not all families remain that way. There are families with single parents looking after the child. There could be several reasons behind the absence of the other parent: death, divorce, separation or simply choice.
Single parenting is often viewed as an outcome of some unfortunate turn of events in life and less of a norm or choice. Of course, bringing up children is a huge responsibility and ideally it is good if things are shared by both parents. If we speak of mothering a child as a single parent, then it comes with a set of challenges for both the genders. However, a single mother comes under tighter scrutiny of society than a single father.
Author and storyteller Deepti Priya Mehrotra, in her book ‘Home Truths, Stories of Single Mothers’ has defined single mothers as “women bringing up their children outside the conjugal framework of marriage”, including divorced, separated, widowed or never married women.
Coming back to the Mumbai High Court verdict, the HC judge observed that the lower court rejected the woman’s application for adoption on the grounds that she was divorced and a working woman. The High Court concluded the rejection as “unfounded, baseless, illegal, perverse, and unacceptable”.
Life coach Chetna Chakravarthy, explains, “A woman is a good mother only if she’s giving her children 100% attention. Only if they are the center of her world and her entire identity comes from being the mother of the child. She is judged for her kids’ behaviour, choices, failings and successes. A man is a good father if he provides for his family well. Their
lifestyle defines his status and the respect he gets. His entire identity then comes from his career. So, a working woman will be a bad mother unfortunately is the assumption. How will she give time to teach the kid how to be a good human, an awesome citizen and a successful individual? How will she provide the lifestyle? A father failing to provide emotionally is not necessarily seen as a failure by society. In courts I wouldn’t know. It depends on how many single dad adoptions have been granted in recent times.”
If we look at the West, then the parenting ethos is completely different. Here, there is somewhat more authoritarian parenting. In the West, it is the child’s welfare that is supreme and eventually it gives a child independence at a very early age. “We do come from a culture of authoritarian parenting. So, asking a child how they feel does not come instinctively for us,” adds Chakravarthy.
She continues, “Parenting comes from how you have been brought up, what the couple deem as good parenting, and individually what pitfalls of their parents the individual is trying to avoid. Moreover, for parents to want their children to take care of them when they are older is a cultural construct across cultures. Women or men wanting a child to take care of them when they are older is normal because for generations it is what we have conditioned ourselves to believe. This is how it is supposed to be. But today’s world is different. How we take care of each other is changing. Should children take care of their parents? Sure. It is not about who is the parent and who is the child or about burdens. It is about being a family. Consideration, care, showing up in relationships, ability, and willingness to take on responsibilities –all this is learnt through the parent-child relationship journey over a full life time. Parents need to not overdo the dependency bit. Children need to not overwhelm themselves because now they have more responsibilities. This is life. That is how it is meant to be. There are times when you have to do what you have to do.”
A socio-political issue
The notion of parenting or parenthood is a private matter that impinges on an individual’s relations with the state. It is so intertwined that it is nearly impossible to look at it in isolation. Therefore, socio-political intervention and consequently moral policing is commonplace.
A study on single mothers was conducted by the Union Ministry of Women and Child Development (2011) in four metro cities of India. The study focused on women belonging to low economic stratum of society. It was a survey which reported its findings in terms of percentage of respondents reporting a particular thing. Of the 1,000 single mothers interviewed, around 54% of the sample mothers were widows, one-fourth were separated women, 15% were deserted or abandoned by their husbands and only 6% were legally divorced. The study found that the role of single mothers was very stressful and challenging along with emotional and psychological difficulties,” states a document citing the study. Reflecting on this, child psychologist Ruchi Aggarwal says: “When we talk about raising a child, then it means providing a safe and a loving environment to the child which will help him/ her in picking up necessary life skills in future. And there is no guarantee that it can happen only in the presence or under the care of both the parents. When a working women plans to adopt a child that means she has made a thoughtful and planned decision of adopting and nurturing a child.
It also means that she has adequate resources and is educated enough to cater to the needs of the child. She is doing this out of her will, and without any conflict with the family members. There had been multiples research on the effectiveness of women employment and the child’s quality of life.
And most of the research have indicated that working single mothers children may have a higher quality of life in terms of financial stability, high achievement goals, relationship skills and social skills.”
Humans are social animals with a strong need for love and affection. There is no purest and unconditional love than the love of a parent towards the child. So, it is this need to be able to give and receive love, nurture lives that couples or single mothers and fathers plan to either adopt a child, go for surrogacy or IVF in order to have a child.
Aggarwal points out that somewhere down the line a single mother may be overwhelmed in juggling between household chores, work, catering to the child’s need all alone. Having said that, even married couples do face all these challenges. Hence, there is no guarantee that a child with both parents will do well than one with a single parent.
Another aspect in the Mumbai case cited above is that the lower court denying the woman the custody of the child because she is single parent hints that we still believe that marriage is important for parenthood. We as a society are far from accepting that marriage is a choice and not necessarily a step to embrace parenthood. Moreover, there is no quantifiable way to say how well a child can be raised by an independent working woman or a housewife. Motherhood can’t be boxed.
“In a rapidly changing global scenario, both the parents of a child are usually working people. Ultimately of paramount interest shall be the welfare of the child by any means and by no stretch of the imagination, a single person can be held ineligible to be an adoptive parent on the ground that he or she is a working person. The judgment of Mumbai High Court has been highly appreciated. Undoubtedly the order passed by the lower court is perverse and unjust,” opines a lawyer based in Hyderabad.
Time to end the stereotyping
“In our country divorced status itself carries a lot of shame and stigma especially towards women. On top of that, divorced single working women are stigmatised probably because marriage did not work, or she did not have the time to bring up her own child. This definitely is a regressive mindset. As a psychiatrist, I strongly believe that children taken care and raised by happy single parents do far better in life than the ones raised by two parents who are not getting along well. And certainly, a working parent can provide a better life for children than the ones who are not. Parenting isn’t an easy task, and it only depends on your readiness and willingness to parent and not your working or marital status. If a woman is emotionally and financially stable, then the odds are that she will do a good job at parenting,” explains psychologist Charan Teja.
“Rightly stated by (the Mumbai) High Court that lower court has done little partiality with 47 years old (single [female]) teacher. But before reaching any judgement, we should deeply unleash the existing norms and real problems in Indian society. Females are the best mothers for sure, but it has never been proven that males cannot. Although that female is working and lives alone; but how does it differ, if she lives with her husband and continues her work? It does not. There are people who are successfully taking care of their wards in an excellent way by continuing their professional life. As we already know that a female is always full of motherly love at all stages of life. So, giving her no custody is unethical, immoral, illegal, illogical, traditional, patriarchal and injustice,” shares Rohit Anand, a teacher.
Aditi Sharma, a college student in Secunderabad, who has been raised by a single parent, says: “I never felt that I am different in any way. I have an amazing mom who is a working woman. She has never stopped me from talking to my father after her separation with him. However, it is simply my choice. I would like to say that it completely depends on an individual’s upbringing. I am self-sufficient, understanding and strong. I see no difference in me and my friends who have been raised by both their biological parents.”
To conclude, in the words of Dr Gana P C, Consultant Clinical Psychologist, Aster Medcity: “Single parent households were less in India compared to western countries. But the perspective has changed with time and being a single parent is not a big taboo as before. The law also has started recognising single parents, especially unmarried mothers citing a single woman can be a natural guardian and a parent. Still single parents lack social acceptance and adequate support. There is a concept called motherhood penalty/ fatherhood bonus which says that mothers who enter the workforce are less likely to be hired, are paid less, and are considered less competent, whereas the complete opposites are true for men who become fathers. Working women were also considered unable to pay adequate attention to children as they have to do multitasking. Mothers are the ones left to deal with whatever family crises happen over a working father. If a working man can still be a great dad, a mother can also do the same.”
