Separation anxiety is seen in many children in the age group of 6 months to 3 years of age. They become anxious, irritable, and clingy when they are separated from their parents or primary caregivers. Some children are clingy, some cry incessantly, and some refuse to eat or sleep when their primary carers are not around.
Separation anxiety can be a very painful experience for some children, causing anxiety not only in the child but also in the parents or primary carers. Many mothers refuse to leave their children and go to work, and this behaviour often heightens the process. There is absolutely no reason to feel guilty if you leave your child for a short period of time with another carer. Instead, focus on how you will help your child manage with another carer without becoming anxious.
Children become anxious when separated as they feel that they will not meet again. So it is important to tell your child that you are going out for a short period of time, either for work or for other activities, and that you will be back soon. You need to imprint on your child’s mind that this separation is not permanent but only temporary. You may even make some plans with your child for what you will do when you are back. This brings the child some solace, and they look forward to your return. You can practise keeping your child with relatives or friends for a short duration of time to see how it works and how your child copes in your absence.
In addition to anxiety, some children may suffer from panic attacks (such as nausea, vomiting, or shortness of breath) before a parent leaves, nightmares about separation, fear of sleeping alone, or excessive worry about being lost or kidnapped, or going out alone.
Many children have toys or comfort objects that help them comfort themselves or soothe themselves when they are upset. Goodbyes should be made positively and quickly. Do not prolong the process, even if your child becomes clingy. Try to be positive; give warm smiles and warm hugs before leaving. This reinforces the feeling of being loved and wanted, and your child feels safe and secure. Create consistent goodbyes and give your child your full attention. Be loving and provide affection.
If you are getting a new carer, it is necessary to introduce the carer gradually so that the child bonds well with the new carer without becoming anxious.
Comfort your child when they are afraid. Fear is a very strong emotion and can cause lifelong scarring if not dealt with properly in childhood. Explain to your child that you are there for them or that they can reach out to the carer if you are not there physically. If the child is older, he or she can also call their mother if they are feeling insecure or scared. Always validate your child’s feelings without ridiculing them for their anxiety.
Be patient and kind, and follow through with what you say. If in a situation, you have promised to take your child out for ice cream or any treat and you were not able to do so for some reason, always explain to your child that it was not possible for the reason. Do not give any excuses that will not be accepted by the child. Also if this occurs repeatedly and the treatment is missed, your child will not believe you. In such a situation your child will feel neglected and in some cases deceived as well. This will lead to feelings of abandonment and insecurity.
Separation anxiety can be caused by biological and environmental factors. Children may inherit the tendency to be anxious from family members and others. The imbalance of 2 chemicals in the brain (norepinephrine and serotonin) also plays a part.
Separation anxiety leads to feelings of insecurity or in extreme cases, feelings of abandonment. This can lead to stressful effects on school, work, and social interactions. Can lead to mental and physical issues. These feelings can persist with the child to adulthood leading to difficulties in adult relationships. Most children grow out of separation anxiety, however, if it persists and causes distress you need to visit your doctor.
(The writer Dr. Paula Goel, is a consultant paediatrician, adolescent physician, and the founder of Fayth clinic.)
