Navigating teenagers is tough, and parents have the most crucial role to play at this juncture of their lives. The Pioneer spoke with experts and brings you a mixed bag of suggestions and comments to ponder over.
Tanisha Saxena
The core of parenting is the relationship you have with your child. If people were plants, their relationship would be with the soil. The relationship either supports, nurtures, and allows growth—or inhibits it. Without a relationship they can lean on, a child’s sense of security is compromised. You want the relationship to be a source of strength for your child—and, one day, for their children too,” wrote Philippa Perry, a British psychotherapist and author, in the book ‘The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read.
Adolescence, or “teenage years,” is a crucial juncture as it is a period of rapid biological and psychosocial changes. These changes consequently have a salient impact on parent–child relationships. It is important to recognise and acknowledge the difference of opinion, and both sides should try moving towards a more egalitarian relationship.
Neha Jain, the author of Merlinwand, told us, “Teen relationships can be a rollercoaster ride, and not just for the people involved; it can be quite confusing and challenging even for the parents of teenagers, especially in India. Dating is still not accepted in the society we live in, and there is a taboo around teenage sexuality.
Parents go to excessive lengths to protect their children from perceived threats. However, sometimes these efforts can be counterproductive. Parents’ strict dating rules can lead to rebellious teenagers hiding their romantic relationships from their parents.This can be dangerous in certain scenarios. So, parents must balance respecting boundaries with keeping the child safe.”
Dealing with a teenager in a romantic relationship can be challenging. Neha further elaborated, “On one hand, it may be hard for the parent to acknowledge that their teenager is not a child anymore and that they may want to be with someone other than them. On the other hand, the possibility of abuse and exploitation in relationships is real, and the teenager must be warned about them. The safest way out of the conundrum is to educate yourself and allow free and honest conversations in your house.
Trust your ward and let them know about the reasons for your fears and insecurities. Remember, teenagers do not respond well to blatant exercises of power and authority, so a firm yet gentle hand is essential.”
According to the research, the best prevention for any adolescent at-risk behaviour is a healthy relationship with an adult. According to a report published in the Journal of Clinical and Diagnostic Research (JCDR), “A study from Goa, among 16- to 24-year-olds, shows that 3.9% of youth reported suicidal behaviors, with females four times more susceptible than males.
This suicidal behaviour is independently associated with factors like absenteeism, independent decision making, premarital sex, sexual abuse, physical abuse from parents, and mental disorders. In India, suicide among adolescents is higher than any other age groups.”
Speaking on how teenagers’ love should be deemed by their parents, Chaganti Krishna Prasad, a parenting expert, author, storyteller, and meditation teacher for children, teens, and adults in Hyderabad, said, “Love is our very nature. If someone can love anyone, everybody should appreciate that ability to love. But if that love is just out of need and temptation, then it can be dangerous. Parents must educate their children about this and allow them to apply their life and love lessons.
By restricting teens, parents only build more desire and a rebellious nature unknowingly, which will harm both parents and teens. At least 80 percent of the parents have no idea about their children’s love lives. However, teens too shouldn’t use the word “love” for sexual desires. They should understand that the love shown in Bollywood may not be the true nature of love.”
Chaganti summed up, “It’s important that the kids respect their elders’ experience and the elders respect their kids’ intelligence.”Diana Baumrind, a clinical and developmental psychologist, coined the following parenting styles: permissive, authoritative, authoritarian, and neglectful. However, these are merely approaches, and parents often use them in moderation. In a nutshell, experts say that parents should choose the approach that works well in a particular situation.
Arouba Kabir, a mental health therapist, shared, “It is a blessing to have a child. No matter what, at the end of the day you forgive each other. But what we see is that the parents have this tendency of making their children the center of their universe. The conflict arises when the child enters the teenage because now that center of universe is going to have their own universe. Sometimes, it is not acceptable to the parents and they try to control their lives.”
When a child enters adolescence or teenage years, there’s a hormone rush. And it’s very natural for them to have opposite-sex attraction or same-sex attraction, fall in love, get into crushes, or have physical attraction. Ask Arouba about these feelings and how parents should deal with them, and she says, “These are very natural things, and in fact, in earlier times, people used to get married earlier. Today, however, these are not acceptable at a young age. The best thing is to have an open conversation and sort out everything together.”
Puja Puneet, India’s leading life coach, shares a list of three things that should be taken care of when dealing with teenagers.
1) Make them feel heard – Their opinion also counts. It is critical that there is two-way communication rather than sentences like because I said so or because I’m older.
2) Present choices and Consequences rather than decisions – When children get to choose they feel empowered. It is crucial to tell the teenagers that this particular thing will have so and so consequences, try to make them understand point of view rather than declaring things and announcing decisions.
3) Keep decorum in disagreements –
We can agree to disagree but we cannot be disrespectful or attack each others dignity. Adolescence is an age where the body is going through changes and there’s a lot of confusion inside the mind. They might not welcome dissent and feel insulted. Hence, a decorum should be maintained even while expressing disagreement.
All it boils down to the fact is, firm and polite is always the best tonality to carry. Children emulate our energy, being calm and patient teaches them to navigate difficult situations maturely.
